Anticipation!

Anticipation.  It may the best part of a vacation.  Today we leave on a vacation we actually planned 12 years ago, so the build up is a little high on this one. 

12 years ago, when my wife and I first decided to get married, we thought about a honeymoon.  We were living in Russia at the time and thought the Maldives looked like a pretty good place to spend a week or so.  It was not too far away and, more importantly, seemed like a pretty relaxing get-a-way. 

The idea was that we would be married in Russia by the Ministry of Marriages (you can’t make this stuff up) in one of those Soviet style buildings (as one does in Russia) and head directly off to our tropical paradise.  As with the best-laid plans, this never happened, because the Ministry of Marriages would not process our paperwork.

You have to remember, this was the post-Soviet era and everyone had “privatized” their respective departments.  The ministry of marriage was no exception.  In our first meeting with said ministry, I was asked to produce a government issued document that stated that I had never been married.  At first this seemed ridiculous, but then I realized that, once again, we were playing the bribe game.  I argued there was no such document and she argued nothing could be done without it.  The culmination of the game is when the bribee offers, out of the goodness of their heart, to make the obstacle go away for a small fee – cash only, of course.  This time, though, I was not playing. It was one thing to ask for a bribe to get out of a traffic ticket or to get a good seat at the theater (I had come to except and expense these as routine), but to mess with a person’s marriage was too much.  I gave the woman a serious lecture and stormed out … thus ended any chance of ever being married in Russia. 

Not long after, my posting in Russia ended and we decided it was easier just to get married in the US.  After returning, we drove out to Alexandria VA, got the license, scooted across the street to the Justice of the Peace and were married.  The next morning we went to Disney World! 

So, you can image, the one place we, as a couple have always dreamed of, is now at our fingertips and the hype is just too much to bear.  Hopefully, the substance matches the sizzle!

The Summer of Swimming

When I was young, I had the privilege of spending every summer on a lake in New York and attending the oldest continuous day camp in the United States, the Chautauqua Boys and Girls Club. My sisters went there; My parents went there; My uncles and aunts on both sides went there. The experience through these generations was quintessentially the same - you played field games, you sailed, you paddled canoes and you swam.

Now, I was game for most of the aforementioned activities, but when it came to swimming, I was not overly keen on climbing into the murky, cold lake water at 10:00am and wading over the silt and seaweed bottom to learn how to float on my back. I dreaded it. My first year, I was excused due to tubes in my ears, but for the remaining 9 years, I spent a disproportionate amount of energy charming my way out the mandatory morning swim.

This was not to say, I could not swim. Growing up on a lake, the ability to move through the water became part of your DNA. You did not have to set Olympic records, but you had to at least be comfortable in the water. Comfort levels varied and mine hovered around trending water and the forward movement not unlike the elderly at the local retirement center. It met the minimum requirement.

So, even though I spent the first 18 summers of my life on a lake, I never learned how to swim properly. This year, the 44th year of my existence, I decided to do what I was supposed to do (and my parents paid for) 35 years ago. I learned to swim ... correctly! This, by the way, was no easy feat. Firstly, I was in India, so it was not like I could run down to the local YMCA and grab an instructor and, secondly, I may in fact be in a bit less shape than I was at 9.

I addressed the first issue with modern technology and found a great internet site call swimsmooth.com that walked you through all you needed to know about becoming a capable swimmer. Since I was not a complete stranger to the water, the basics came quickly, albeit awkwardly and, in some cases, painfully due to the second issue. I was simply out of shape.

Almost every night since May, I have lugged myself to the American Embassy pool and clawed though the water perfecting a mediocre crawl. Each week, I added a little more distance. I started with one pool length of 25 yards and a few weeks ago actually crossed the 1/2 mile milestone without stopping.

There is another reason that I have focused so much on swimming this summer. At the end of this week, Olga and I will go to the Maldives where I will get certified as an Open Water Diver. This is something I have wanted to do for many years, but never got around to it. Actually, to be honest, I have simply avoided it, since one of the requirements is you must be able to swim 200 yards non-stop and until now, I just couldn’t do it!   

The New Car Expereince

Buying a car is always an adventure. Sometimes it turns out well and other times it is just a serious pain in the butt. Overall, though, I usually enjoy the process and the challenge. For this reason, I was looking forward to getting a new car in India. The current car, a 3 year old Ford Endeavor (think a jungle-ready explorer, but not as comfortable) has run its run. Poorly built to begin with, its complete lack of suspension has reduced the remaining bits, and my back, to rubble. It is time to retire the Ford.

The old Battlewagon and Kailash, the driver

The stable of replacements in India is very limited due to the huge import tax that is levied on everything to protect the burgeoning domestic industry. As well, we had to decide whether to replace it with another SUV or go the sedan route. This is a more difficult decision here than back in the US, because the roads here actually challenge a SUV unlike the manicured roads of the US. Add the monsoons and you actually have rivers and lakes to traverse. The trade-off for all this go-anywhere capability is a painfully stiff and jilting ride. In order to get an SUV that is not based on a truck, you have to move into a stratospheric price range and, since we are a discount retailer and not Goldman Sachs, paying $115,000 for an Audi Q5 is not in the cards.

Based on the bone-jarring rides we took in two available SUVs, the Toyota Fortuner and the Hyundai Santa Fe, it was decided to go the sedan route. Who needs 3 rows of seating anyhow? It is just the two of us. So we began to look at sedans and this is where the fun started.

First of all, you must schedule a test drive, because they bring the car to you, rather then you going to the showroom. This is actually pretty convenient. The car arrives with the driver and salesman (it would be absurd for the salesman to actually drive the car himself, duh!) and they turn the vehicle over to you and your driver for the test drive. This is actually great, because you get to drive it over familiar road and in conditions that you experience every day. I am sure that was not the intention, but quite convenient, none the less.

Secondly, the test drive is very different. Since I have a driver, the driver does the driving and I sit happily in the back and evaluate the car from the perspective of the driven. That puts a whole new set of expectations around the vehicle. Where I would usually be concerned with power and handling, I am not evaluating for legroom and ride compliance. I used to love the growl of the engine, but now want silence. Where before, I wanted a hard, sports suspension, I now want a floating, wafting, magic carpet ride. I longed for the Cadillacs of Grandpa Frank!

Based on these new criteria, we limited our selection to three cars: Toyota Camry, Volkswagen Passat and the Skoda Superb. Three very different formulas to get to an adequate solution to the Indian transport problem. The Toyota is simply the benchmark in quality, but the model they have here is an older model and seems outdated compared to German and Czech contenders. As well, the backseat was the smallest – a deal breaker! The Passat was the best to drive (according to my driver) with much more power than then others and a slew of features that would make even the most advanced car jealous – the damn thing even parks itself with the aid of a camera that pokes out from under the oversized VW trunk badge. Very cool!

In the end, we decided to go with the cutting edge of Czech technology. To be fair, Skoda was purchased by VW over a decade ago and the Superb is simply a refitted Passat in a more passenger friendly package. Firstly, the rear leg room is massive – almost limousine like. I can cross my legs and my foot comes nowhere near the front seat. As well, the ride is much more compliant than the Passat. The Skoda floats undisturbed over the imperfections (read massive holes) of the Delhi roads. A huge plus. Finally, although the VW comes with a ton of kit for the driver, the Skoda is more backseat passenger oriented with the aforementioned leg room, a center console that shows the time and outside temperature and a nifty umbrella that fits into a custom made storage compartment in the left door panel to allow it to drain outside. You just can’t argue with that kind of innovation.

In India, you do not get to choose options. You choose your model and your engine and the rest is preselected. Even colors are restricted to the model and engine size. We choose the 2.0T Diesel, so we had the choice of Red, White, Black, Mocha (metallic, deep brown) and Amethyst (light, metallic lavender). You had to go to the V6 petrol engine to get the silver paint! The interior for all colors is Ivory – beautiful, but maybe not the best choice for the dirtiest and dustiest city in the world. Based on the above choices, we went with Mocha.

Once the model, engine and color have been selected, I turned the negotiating over to the experts. My assistant stepped in and began the haggling. Since the prices are fixed, in India we haggle over the other things – mats, mudguards, car cover, etc – to be thrown in for free. This went on for a few days and we, as expected, got everything we wanted and many that we did not. One was a rear foot rest. I am not sure what this is, but we got it and I am excited to use it … I think.

As of today, we have placed the deposit (and by we, I mean the company, since they are technically the owners) and now we wait for delivery. We expect to see it before we leave on vacation on Friday, but this is India, so one never knows how the story ends until it is over!

Holiday Season!

Evil Ravana


In the American Northeast, the first snow is a major seasonal milestone. It signals the beginning of winter and, for most, the onset of the holiday season. After the first snow, you are comfortable in the thought that Thanksgiving is right around the corner - soon to be followed by Christmas and New Years. Especially as a kid, this was a great time.

In India, the change of the seasons also ushers in the holiday season. The change and the holidays are different, but the effect is similar. Today was one of those days. As I left my apartment and began the journey down to the car, I noticed that it was actually pleasant. I was not sweating; I was not gasping for breath from the oppressive humidity; I was actually comfortable! This was the Delhi equivalent of the first snow.

As I paused for a moment to enjoy the sensation of being outside and not sweating, I reflected on the upcoming holidays. In two weeks, on October 6th, Dussehra will kick off the holiday season. Dussehra is technically a 10 day event that celebrates the triumph of a few gods over evil culminating with "victory day" called Dussehra or Vijayadashmi. This is a significant holiday on the Hindu calendar, but I cannot recall any festivities from last year.

We then have Diwali, the grand-daddy of Indian Holidays on Oct 26th with a few gratuitous days around it, like Balipadyami and Bhai Duj to pad out the week. November starts with Rajyaotsava Day on the 1st, Idu'l Zuha on the 7th and the much anticipated Guru Nanak's Birthday to which we were roused from our beds last year with a parade at 7:00am. Finally, we wind down with Muharram on December 6th.

They may not, at first, seem to have the allure of Thanksgiving and Christmas (who amongst us would not prefer a burning Yule log to a burning effigy of the evil King Ravana), but as I grow older, I tend to measure holidays in relaxation time versus impact and these Indian Holidays, I can tell, will be a welcome respite to the daily grind!

Settling Back In

There is distinct rhythm to an expat life in India, but it is a fragile one. Friends come and go and routines changes as personalities and experiences are introduced or removed. This is usually a gradual change, but when you leave for an extended period and plunge back into your life, the change can seem abrupt.

One of the biggest changes that have taken place over the time we were gone is that many of our close friends are rotating out. A few were expected, but a few were surprises. As the global economy continues to flounder, many companies have decided to reduce their overseas presence and bring their expats home. For some, this is a welcome relief, but for most, it is an unwelcome lifestyle change as their ex-pat gravy train finally pulls into the station and the reality of being "average" sets in.

There are tearful good-byes and many Bon Voyage parties as the Diaspora fan out across the globe, but in the end, we, those who remain behind, must get back to it. Surviving - muddling through the traffic, the heat and locals.

They say the 2nd year is the toughest and it looks like we are right on schedule!

The Humidity … Oh the Humidity!

I stepped off the plane at roughly 7:30pm into a torrid stew of heat and humidity that instantly sapped any remaining energy I had from the 22 hours of travel I had just completed. It was the immediate and punishing reminder that I was now back in India.

As I waited for my bags, my body acclimated to the new reality. There was the familiar and gut retching smell of mustard seed oil combined with body odor that has come to define India for me. There was the oppressive heat that makes you sweat in places you thought you had no pores. Finally, there is the humidity which locks all the aforementioned into a nauseating, overheated, odiferous package with no escape.


Welcome Home!

National Sales Meeting, again!

On Wednesday, we had our National Sales Meeting. As you may recall from my posts last year, this is a big, big deal. Employees from all over the country come to Minneapolis for a huge gathering during which we hear about future strategies and corporate things that would only interest us as an organization. The big attraction, though, is that during the stream of information, many famous people and musical acts which have relationships with the company make an appearance. This is the highlight of the year and this year did not disappoint.

Firstly, the setting is a bit overwhelming. 13,000+ Red & Khaki clad people are crammed into the Target Center in downtown Minneapolis riled up by loud DJ’d music, powered by caffeine and driven by pure pride in a great company. It is quite the scene. It is not the contrived atmosphere you see at some other company's events, but a cool and hip kind of gathering that only this company could pull off as a sales meeting.   

This year’s meeting was kicked off by Ross Mathews, better known as Ross the Intern from the Jay Leno Show, conducting interviews with passing employees as they funneled into the Target Center. These interviews were then piped live into the seating arena on a massive Jumbo-Tron, as the hoards of people searched the venue for their seats. Once seated, we were treated to Ross hosting a game which involved a great deal of cheering ultimately whipping the crowd into a frenzy for the introduction of the CEO.

After a few speeches, the first of many surprise acts were introduced. Not being a country fan, the name did not ring a bell, but apparently Alison Krauss & Union Station have quiet a following. Who knew? I found the music to be a little downbeat, but no one asks me when they booked the acts, so I simply enjoyed not being in India and soldiered on.

After a few more speeches, Willow Smith was introduced. If you do not know Willow Smith, it is because you are not 11. Apparently, she is big with the pre-teen group. I did not connect who she was, though, until after she finished and I looked in front of me to see Will Smith, doting father, walk past me.

We then had a nice visit from Taylor Swift who wanted to come by and thank us for making her the number one recording artist in the US. I guess when you get a colossus like my company behind you, you tend to sell some CDs. Anyway, to thank us, she wrote a nice little song called “Red shirt, Khaki pants” and sung to the tune of “Smelly Cat” from Friends. It was quite funny!

One of the highlights of the meeting is always the community relations recap. This is the time when they parade all the amazing things the company does from helping children to read to making meals for disaster victims in a video/picture montage that ends with most of the crowd in tears. She also usually highlights all the celebrities in which we partner, primarily Oprah and her crew. This time, though, she did not have tell us how appreciative Oprah was as Oprah herself stopped by to greet the sea of Red & Khaki and say thanks personally. Half the crowd had a seizure!

The crescendo of the meeting is always when the head of Marketing comes out and runs through the new ad campaigns for the holiday season and the upcoming year. Those of us that have been to a few of these also know that during this time, the big acts usually make their appearance and there is always much speculation on who might perform. About half way through the speech, James Taylor was introduced to a mostly stumped audience (since most of Target was born long after JT peeked). He soothed the audience with a song in that recognizable James Taylor voice and then was joined by the venerable Mr. Tony Bennett. Tony Bennett has a two duets albums, one of which features JT and they regaled us with “Put on a Happy Face” from said album. James Taylor then exited and Tony belted out a few classics of his own. For an 85 year old man, Tony Bennett can sing! It was a great few songs and I can now say I have seen Tony Bennett live.

As the meeting wound down, the crowd was getting ready to leave when the head of marketing, in a contrived act of forgetfulness, sprung the biggest act of the night on us. Pregnant, but clearly not showing in her sparkly little dress was Beyoncé. Yep, Beyoncé. Even though I am not a huge Beyoncé fan, I will say, the woman can crank out a tune! She only sang one song due to her "being in a family way" (as we say in India), but with one tune, turned the crowd into a screaming mob!

All in all, the company once again delivered a great National Sales Meeting full of great information and great entertainment. I can now say that I have  fulfilled the life long dream of finally experiencing Oprah live!