Meet the Construction Guru - Me!

So the rains continue to make my life a living hell both outside the house and inside.  The record monsoon, combined with the complete ineptitude of Indian contractors has resulted in our house looking like an abandon prison on some lost island in the south pacific.  First the water caused an orange discoloration, then the paint began to peel followed by mold.  Now, just when you thought you've run the gambit of water related disasters, we now have bugs.  Yes, Muther Freak'n bugs!  You can't make this stuff up.    


Last week, as I was being shepherded between meetings at the US Embassy and the Indian Government (another surprise aspect of my job, but that is for another time), Olga calls me to tell me she has discovered bugs. Apparently our new roommates were enjoying the warm moisture of the walls of our two rarely-used bathrooms and had settled in for the long winter.  I came home, met the new tenants and called the landlady for their immediate eviction. In her casual, non confidence-inspiring manner, she said she would call the contractor and went back to whatever it is that Punjabi women do in Delhi in the late afternoon.  


Friday came and went and no contractor.  Saturday, I wrote the landlady a relatively scathing email about sub-human living conditions and the plight of being abandon in a foreign land - blah, blah, blah.  Not my best stuff, but good enough to solicit the appropriate reaction.  At 5:00pm, a small Army of Indians arrived at my door.  The landlady, her brother (lives downstairs), the contractor, three of his minions and Gupta Ji (the building....well... uh... the guy that opens the gate and sits downstairs - I am sure there must be a name for the position, but I find myself at a loss).  We, myself and the construction expeditionary force, then set off to identify all things pissing me off.  It was not a short trek.  


We started with the big things like the leaking, discolored, moldy, bug-infested walls and work our way through the clogged drain in the shower, the doors that would not close and even the creaking door from the apartment below that wakes us up at 5:00am every morning.  On and on the list went and the longer it went, the more irritated the contractor got.  


Now, in my opinion, the contractor is kind of a boob.  I think he has been bull shitting the landlord and her family for the best part of two years and had not planned on stopping today just because some American was present.   As we walked the apartment, he gave every excuse in the book for his crappy workmanship except that it was his crappy workmanship.  He blamed the water seepage (that was clearly due to him not sealing the roof) on the air conditioners creating too much condensation.  He blamed the backed up drain in my bathroom on hair.  My hair? Really? (I have so much forehead I have fivehead).  Needless to say, I called him out on these comical excuses and quickly established myself as the only authority on building construction in the group. I did have two houses built and sometimes even stopped by to walk the site and I do read the Blog "Why Dwell" which has given me great insight into a remodeling project.  Oh, and I played with Legos. Come to think of it, I may actually be the most qualified person in Delhi on the subject. Anyone following the Commonwealth Games - or as we like to call them here in Delhi, "The Shame Games" - would agree.  


Anyway, Sunday morning, the two guys who looked like they had been pulled from the movie "Slumdog Millionaire" showed up with some sandpaper, a plastic sheet and a ladder made from bamboo with the rungs tied on by string.  After a time consuming set up, Jamal and his brother Selim began the tough job of sanding through the wet paint to the concrete below.  Anyone ever tried to sand wet paint with sandpaper?  Again, simply reinforcing, I am the construction Guru of Delhi.  These guys worked all day removing the paint at a painfully slow rate.  When they finally called it a day, we were blessed with huge patches of exposed, wet concrete.  Some areas were so wet, you could scoop the concrete out with you finger.   As the foremost authority on concrete construction in Delhi, I am going to say that probably is not good.  

The Foyer before the crack workers began to work their magic 

After - Need I say more....

Anyway, now the Indian version of dumb and dumber arrive every day and check to see if the walls are wet in anticipation of refinishing them.  It would be funny if it was not happening to me.  


Laugh it up, chuckles!